In Spite Of Myself

VBS Songs from Sunday's service

2011-07-21T06:02:00.000-07:00

2010-12-23T04:31:00.000-08:00

A quiet day

2010-10-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

Finally - after what seems like forever I've got a quiet day where I'm not running around trying to get 15 projects done at the same time. No, the work isn't completed, but at least there is no pressing deadline today. Makes for a nice way to ease into the weekend.

I've been thinking about so many things lately. They rattle around in my brain and that's about as far as they get.

Even after all this time and all of the good things that have happened in my life since January 2008 - I still get that twinge when I hear stories about babies born at 24 weeks who thrive and go on to be wonderful, normal, happy little babies. Of course I'm happy that they survived and are able to grow up - but it makes me wonder why my little girl didn't get the same chance.

All the hard work was worth it...

2010-10-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

One blue ribbon....And one red ribbon...

Done!

2010-10-12T04:38:00.000-07:00

Yes - I know it seems like this one took forever. But it is done and delivered for judging.

It's kind of cool to have something entered in the state fair.

I also entered a version of the birthday cake hat in a category for self designed projects.

Knitting is done!

2010-10-08T05:02:00.001-07:00

Now I just need to figure out how to make the petals lay flat...

Three layers done!

2010-10-04T10:12:00.000-07:00

I didn't make much progress on the hat over the weekend - but I did get the third layer done last night... I'm really liking the color transitions. I was a little worried about them looking odd.

Grapefruit Tree

2010-10-02T06:00:00.001-07:00

This is a grapefruit tree that my Grandmother started from seeds about 5 yrs ago. My aunt and uncle planted it in their yard and it's just taken off.

I still miss her terribly. But seeing this makes me smile. It's exactly what she would have wanted.

She took on any orphan plant and nursed it back to life. Everything she grew she started from seeds in little cups on her kitchen table. They were her babies.

Big curled up mess...

2010-10-01T05:40:00.000-07:00

I managed to re-knit both sections and get them joined last night!

This morning I'm rubbing my eyes and clutching my coffee wondering what I was thinking.

For all my excitement, the hat so far just looks like a big curled up mess. I hope it gets better once I get the rest of the layers.

The progress that is soon to be gone....

2010-09-30T06:08:00.000-07:00

I hate to think of ripping out both of these beautiful little sections - but I know I must or forever know that I did a half-assed job of making this hat that I love....

What have I gotten myself into?

2010-09-29T13:36:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the mystery post... I took the picture with my blackberry yesterday and then e-mailed it to the blog intending to edit and add the description last night... yeah, that didn't happen...

So here it is...

A good friend of mine who make incredible gingerbread houses and the most amazing cakes has convinced me to make something to enter at the state fair.

So I chose this pattern - called Flore. I am using my favorite yarn from Sublime.

I had taken the picture to show my progress and was going to post another one today. But then I realized as I was about to join the first two sections that I had done the decreases completely wrong... so what was my progress picture for today is no more...

Flooding

2010-09-27T05:48:00.000-07:00

This is a video of the recent flooding in the town where I grew up and my family still lives. I've never seen water like this - and it is still rising.

Paris

2010-09-08T06:01:00.000-07:00

Somehow I managed to survive the whirlwind trip to Paris... It is as wonderful as I remebered...

Didn't really get to do much outside of work stuff - but it's still fabulous just being in such an amazing city.

We stayed at a wonderful little hotel called Le Relais Du Louvre. LOVED IT!!! It was literally across the street from the Louvre and a block away from the Pont Nuef bridge.

I took a couple of pictures with my phone - just have to get them downloaded.

One huge casualty of my trip is the nursing.... I took my pump but between the plane rides and the long work days - my milk production is almost nothing... Poor little Eli might be getting a crash course in weaning if it doesn't work it's way back to where I was when I left.

Pea Pod Hats

2010-09-02T06:11:00.001-07:00

I did these two adorable little hats by special request for a woman with twin girls! They turned out much, much better than I thought they would.

Just for fun

2010-08-30T12:54:00.001-07:00

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Baby, We Were Meant For Each Other

2010-08-25T10:38:00.001-07:00

Just heard about (and bought) this book written by NPR's Scott Simon....

There are two NPR stories - HERE and HERE

I read the first few pages. It is powerful stuff.

2010-08-22T18:30:00.000-07:00

5am - airport #1... before we knew what the day had in store for us... 2 hours later we found out our flight was canceled and we would have to drive to another airport. 11am - after a 2 1/2 hour drive (and a detour back to my parents house for our cars keys) - airport #2 3pm - still at airport #2, still waiting for our flight... at least we were all still smiling!8pm - finally at airport #3 - almost home!

Home again, home again...

2010-08-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

What was supposed to be an early flight back home turned into an all day affair. We left the house at 4am for a 6am flight and ended up on a flight that left at 4pm. We figured out that we could have made the 18 hour drive in the time it took us to get home by plane. Amazingly we all made it through the day in one piece and a suprisingly good mood. On the last flight both kids fell asleep in my arms - one on each side. It was a very sweet moment.

We had a great week with Grandma and Grandpa and the rest of the family. It's always sad to leave - but nice to get back home.

Cousins

2010-08-16T13:53:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of all the cousins... sitting on the bench by Ellie's tree.

If Ellie were here with us she would have been 9 months younger than Lindsey (center).

We have teeth!

2010-08-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

Little man finally has teeth!!!!! The first on poked through last night and the second one was there this morning.

I hope this will relieve his discomfort a little bit.

I tried to take a picture - but he won't let anyone see them yet.

A few more questions

2010-08-10T07:12:00.001-07:00

I need more help – (as always!)

Little man has a few good nights here and there where he will sleep through the night. But mostly he wakes up 2 – 3 times a night to eat. Sometimes I can just rub his back and he will go back to sleep – but usually he won’t go back to sleep until he’s had his “snack”.

I don’t mind doing it – but am I doing something wrong by letting him eat? Should I just try to get him to go back to sleep so he will learn to sleep through the night?

2010-08-06T05:59:00.000-07:00

While looking for a cute winter hat to knit for YaYa I came across the perfect pattern..

TC's Cozy Hat from Susan Anderson

And guess what else - the chair she's sitting in is covered in fabric I designed!!! How cool is that...

It always takes me by suprise to see things I did in real life.

Now I have to make the hat.

The Red Thread - Ann Hood

2010-08-04T19:06:00.000-07:00

I just finished another fabulous book! This one is called The Red Thread by Ann Hood.

It is about a group of families getting ready to adopt babies from China. We didn't adopt from China but there were just so many of the same emotions in the course of our process that reading this brought it all back.

If Yaya wasn't asleep right now I'd sit her down and retell every detail of our trip to pick her up.

The buying and packing and list making... and then that moment when you see your beautiful child for the first time...

And back up even further to the first time we saw her picture... It was February 12th. I was sitting at my desk and there she was - 8 days old wearing a funny little green sweater peacefully sleeping... Even now, it still brings tears to my eyes.

I am so happy that we get to be her parents.

Sleepy Boy

2010-08-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

Now that Little Man is completely mobile we started using a baby gate in the door of his room to keep him safe and give him room to roam…Here’s what happened this morning after about an hour playing by himself.

2010-08-02T11:52:00.000-07:00

He was playing according to the way the late afternoon sunlight came smiling across the barroom floor…

borrowed from Michelle Shocked

nostalgia

2010-08-02T09:01:00.001-07:00

Does it ever make you sad that your life didn’t turn out quite like you expected it to? I just feel sad lately. There is no real particular reason – just sad for what didn’t happen. This is not the same as saying that I’m unhappy with what did happen – because I’m not.

I guess all of this was triggered by something I stumbled across this morning. It was an old abandoned blog written by someone who used to be a huge part of my life – my ex-husband. We split up 9 years ago. I haven’t spoken to him since then – not once. It was my choice to leave – so I guess it is my penance to wonder how he is. He was my best friend from 8^th grade on. We’ve both moved on to new careers, new spouses and children. I know that there is no going back – but I would like him to know that I hope he is happy and that I’m very sorry for everything. He was a once in a lifetime friend and didn’t deserve to be hurt by my selfishness.

I could make excuses – but really there aren’t any. I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain. I wanted out. He didn’t.

I miss being able to remember that part of my life with someone who was there.

The Postmistress

2010-08-02T05:16:00.001-07:00

Wow - what a book!

I picked it up as an after thought when we were walking out of the library on Friday afternoon. An author of one of my all time favorite books had written a little blurb for the back of this book. It drew me in.

I won't bore you with a blow by blow of the story and its' details.

Just know that it is simply beautiful. A story that draws you in and keeps you there in an alternate world. Words on a page that bring to life a story. It was a joy to read.

I love to read and I always have. I will read just about anything that comes my way. For me it is a rare treasure to come across a book that is so completely engaging.

Somehow the sorrow of this book is what touched me the most. It's as if by reading this it makes it OK for me to hold onto that part of my heart that still aches. That it is OK to still be haunted by the now distant memory of a tiny baby girl in my arms.

2010-07-27T05:55:00.000-07:00

After doing some research and reading I feel a little better about the night terrors. It turns out there is mostly nothing to do except keep her safe and put her back to bed when they are over.

Thanks for the comments and helpful links!

I have been MIA for longer than I intended... I'm going to work on that...

I've been asked to start traveling again for my job. As always that is a double edge sword. I love going - I always have and in the last few years I've missed it.

I haven't gone to China since I found out I was pregnant with Ellie. Actually the last trip I took I was pregnant and didn't even know it. (I wonder all the time if that had something to do with the bad outcome...)

But now I've got little man and Amelia. It's always been hard on Amelia to have me gone - but she was able to have 100% of T's attention. Now it really is going to be tough for them. And then there's Little man - at almost 8mo we're still rolling along with the nursing. We had some speed bumps but all of that is pretty much long gone. I'm enjoying doing it much more than I ever expected to. And honestly, I don't know if I will be ready to give it up in September when I leave.

Night Terrors

2010-07-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

I know I'm a terrible blogger and don't really deserve to ask anything of anyone who still reads this sorry excuse for a blog - but I really could use your help.

My beautiful, sweet, amazing little girl is having a terrible time right now. And I'm at a complete loss for what to do.

Most nights she wakes up 3 or 4 times screaming and crying. Nothing seems to comfort her, because she is never truely awake.

In the morning she doesn't even remember waking up or having bad dreams.

Is there anything we can do to help her? Is this a sign of something serious?

I just don't know what to do to help her.

'The Midnight Knitter'

2010-06-21T07:03:00.000-07:00

Click on the link to see the story. (I tried to have all of the content appear here - but couldn't get it to work...all three pictures are from the story link)

There is a mad knitter on the loose...

Where can I sign up to donate some yarn???

Police hunt 'The Midnight Knitter' wool graffiti bandit Metro.co.uk

Grace's New Hat

2010-06-19T06:24:00.000-07:00

I've made a lot of little baby hats in the last few years - but this is one of my ABSOLUTE favorites!!! It's a gift for my new niece... We've been calling it the Birthday Cake Hat -because it looks so yummy you just want to eat it.

Let me try that again....

2010-06-15T08:20:00.001-07:00

Since the pictures in the last one didn't work...

Eli is 6 months old already! WOW - time has flown!

6 months old

2010-06-15T06:44:00.001-07:00

It is hard to imagine that it’s been 6 months already! I am absolutely in love with this little guy.

Welcome baby Grace!

2010-06-06T15:05:00.000-07:00

My new niece was just born!!! 7 lbs 4 oz and 19.5" long!!!

Grace and Eli are EXACTLY 6 months apart - just missed it by 2 1/2 hours!

Stress

2010-05-27T05:54:00.000-07:00

My house is a disaster. I have a mile high stack of work that I should be doing. But here I sit - at the computer reading and catching up. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired.

I've been leaving early for work and getting home late for weeks. Yesterday (or was it the day before???) I was stressed out and frantic before I even got to work. I am miserable and well on my way to making everyone else around me miserable too.

I guess it is a combination of no sleep (Eli continues to wake up at least 2 times a night to eat...), doing the job of 2 people by myself (my partner is out on maternity leave now) and it being the "crazy" time of year before the new line is released. I love my job - but it some days it is pure hell.

And could it be that I'm just getting OLD??

In less than a month I will be the dreaded "39". Honestly - I don't feel that old at all. It feels like yesterday that I celebrated my 30th birthday. But now I look in the mirror and I see the littel wrinkles on my forhead and I wake up somedays and it takes a little while to get going.

I guess I just want this week and next week and the week after that to be over so maybe, just maybe I can sit back and take a minute to breathe.

What has happened?

2010-05-24T17:18:00.001-07:00

I'm trying the mobile blogging...

I really, really need to write about a situation – but I don’t think I can. Months and months ago – I found out that this blog had been discovered by several people who know me IRL. Kind of a big deal to me – but I guess I let it go and stopped writing about certain things. Well – now I really feel like I need to get a weird, uncomfortable situation off my chest so I can stop dwelling on it – but I can’t…

So now I’m stuck and it really, really sucks!

(WOW - what's up... two posts in two days???)

Name Change

2010-05-23T11:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, I decided it was time for a change... I borrowed the name from a book - because it really felt like a good fit for my life. I've been through some really tough times - but honestly - I still feel blessed. I get down, and I get frustrated with how tough it has been in the last few years but overall, in spite of everything, I have more love in my life than I ever thought possible.

I haven't been able to write much since little man was born. Mostly because I'm still trying to figure out what this space is to me. I do know that in I miss everyone here. Even if I don't write much I still read - even if I don't comment as often as I used to.

2 1/2 years after Ellie's death she is more I part of my life than I ever expected. But I don't really feel the need to write what I feel. Some days it hurts and some days it doesn't. It's just another part of my life now.

My usual blog time was in the free minutes here and there during the day. But all that has changed too. Personal blogs (and all personal websites) are now off limits at work. My home time is devoted to family. And by the time everyone else is in bed - I'm to brain fryed to get on the computer.

So I guess I'm just making excuses for not devoting enough time and energy to keeping this going...

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T03:12:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to everyone.

I know this is a sad day for many women - no mattter what - you are all loved and appreciated.

I am feeling very loved and blessed this year. It is the first time in 16 years I have been able to spend Mother's Day with my mom! Aren't we a beautiful bunch of girls!

Birthday celebration

2010-04-06T12:47:00.000-07:00

We had a special birthday celebration for my boss today. He turned 65 and celebrated 50 years working in the textile industry at the same time. His career started when he was 15 years old and began working for a carpet company in his native Ireland. We had a great birthday brunch.
With some careful planning we framed one of the first carpet designs he painted. He was 18 years old at the time. He had brought it in to work to show us a few months ago and we secretly borrowed it and took it to be framed. It is one of the few remaining original artwork pieces he has. The rest of his portfolio was stolen many years ago.

And then - because we are a fabric company after all... we turned the artwork into fabric that will be released in our June line as a tribute to someone we all love very, very much! He was speechless!

This is the artwork...

This is the fabric...

Finally some new pictures!!!

2010-03-26T06:59:00.000-07:00

Eli zonked out on the couch last night..
He was a giggle-puss at dinner. He has discovered that he LOVES attention!
Amelia was to tired for picture taking...she stayed up the night before to watch Survivor with us.

Measuring up

2010-03-24T06:45:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was a completely bittersweet moment. Little man slept the night in his crib for the first time on Saturday. (He didn't sleep through the night - but he did spend his sleep time in his crib.) We've been working towards this for a couple of weeks. So you would think that when it finally happened I would feel like I had actually accomplished something. But instead - I felt so completely sad... I couldn't close my eyes and drift off to sleep knowing that my sweet little guy was just an arm's reach away. Instead I had to rely on hearing him wake up with the monitor. And I never anticipated what a big difference him sleeping in the crib would make to my sleep!! It takes a whole lot more wakefulness to get out of bed, walk down the hall and sit in the rocker to feed him at 3am than it did to roll over scoop him up and get back in bed!!! I guess that's just me being selfish - but I'm just saying... from my perspective it makes a lot more sense to keep him in the bedroom!

The real point of my post is something completely different. This weekend I stepped on the scale and saw a number that I haven't seen since Oct. 2007. Now - you may wonder how I know what I weighed almost 3 years ago. It is exactly what I weighed when we went in for our first OB visit after I found out I was pregnant with Ellie. At the time it was heavier than I had been in a while. But now - it's the least I've weighed since then.

And then it hit me. I don't measure my life in months or years - I measure it by how much I weigh at any given time. My life is measured by the ups and downs of my weight. I guess it had never really occured to me exactly how deeply my eating disordered thinking ran.

I weighed xxx when I met T
I weighed ### when I turned 30
I weighed ** when I was at my sickest
I weighed ^^^ when I came home from the hospital after Ellie died
I weighed !! when I was 6 years old

I could make you a list that spans all of my school years and on into adulthood.

2010-03-23T07:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't abandoned this blog!!!

I have been horribly busy at work and at home...

I have several posts in mind to write - just no time to actually write them!!!

More babies...

2010-03-16T09:30:00.000-07:00

Look at these cute little babies! aren't they just adorable!

Two of my chinese co-workers had babies in November. I sent them each one of my baby hats.

99 days

2010-03-15T05:44:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow little man will be 100 days old!

I can hardly believe that he has been with us for that long already.

He has moved from being a tiny screaming bundle to a happy little guy. One of the favorite parts of my day is seeing him wake up with a smile on his face when I pick him up.

And then seeing how his face lights up when his big sister talks to him - that just melts my heart! It is amazing how they have connected in just 3 months. YaYa will do dance shows for him. He happily sits in his bouncy seat and kicks up a storm. And She is always trying to teach him how to do things - like how to play with his toys. They have whole conversations of cute little baby noises.

Just like bringing Amelia home erased all of the anxiety from 10 months of waiting for our paperwork to make it's way through the court system, having little man here with us has dulled all of the anxiety of a post-loss pregnancy for me.

Happy 100 days little man!

Musical Monday

2010-03-08T07:27:00.000-08:00

After hearing this NPR story - I finally bought myself some new music.

For me this is a major feat. Usually I hear something on NPR on the way home, think to myself that I will look it up later and then remember 2 weeks later when I have no clue what it was anymore.

This - I really love... I am by no means a classical music expert - hearing this just makes me feel peaceful. And lately peaceful is a very good thing.

And I think we finally have spring! I went outside without a coat just now. The sun is shining. And they are cutting the grass at work! That smell makes it feel 100% like spring is here!

My beautiful babies!

2010-03-04T05:24:00.000-08:00

I am in love with my children!

We have had a couple of pretty crappy weeks - sickness, trees falling, washers dying, work issues, etc....

But through all of that these two little cuties make me smile from the inside out!

I started at least 10 diffeent posts about all the crap that was going on. But I realized that I just didn't care enough about it to write anything. It was bad, we got through it, now it's over!

These two - they are in love with each other. Yaya got all her animals and dolls out yesterday before school and sat with little man making up conversations between him and the animals. He just sat there cooing and laughing right along with her.

Who could ask for more?

2010-02-24T12:27:00.001-08:00

Thanks for the advice... I don't think what is going on with me and my breasts is mastasis. I looked it up and that seems a lot more serious than what I am experiencing. It's gotten better over the last few dasy so I might wait before I do anything. Little man still seems to be getting enough when he's nursing - I just don't get much pumping.

Starting yesterday we both seem to have picked up the cold bug that has been going around. My throat is sore and little man has a terrible cough. Hopefully this will resolve itself quickly and without any Dr visits.

And as a major bonus - little man has decided that he loves to watch me knit. As a not so major bonus he also finds laundry folding to be completely amusing...

Books, Breastfeeding and Chocolate

2010-02-22T12:05:00.000-08:00

Slightly random post - but that's just how my mind works these days...Hope you all had a GREAT weekend. I love waking up to sunlight! Yesterday when I got up to take a shower for church the sun was coming up! WELCOME SPRING!!!!

Books - I have loved to read all of my life. I love getting lost in a story. Finishing a book is like the shock of cold air after getting out of a warm pool. I've had a great run of good reads so far this year. I keep a list of what I've read on the family photo blog, but I think I'm going to move it here. I will read almost anything as long as it isn't violent or gory. I've got a whole self of things waiting for me - I hope I can keep up this good reading streak! All of the pumping I've been doing lately has given me the stolen moments during the day (and night) to read. Have you read anything interesting lately? Who are your favorite authors and favorite books?

Breastfeeding - Believe it or not - after 11 weeks - I finally feel like I've gotten the hang of things. But of course, now that it feels like we are on track - my body has decided to rebel. I think my supply is decreasing drastically. I used to be able to pump 4 - 5 oz at a time. Now it's more like 2 or 3. And there is some serious pain! It feels like a hot buring sensation after I pump. Is this normal? Could this have something to do with my drop in production? Ugh...just as I was starting to feel good about something had to go wrong! (And I've finally gotten T on board with it too!!!) I'm going to go buy fenugreek - I hope it helps.

Chocolate - post valentines candy is very, very dangerous and very, very tasty!!!!

Oh yeah - what do you think of the new look?

Baptism

2010-02-17T08:17:00.000-08:00

We did Little Man's baptism on Sunday. He was a wonderfully calm little baby. He didn't even cry when he was doused with water.

My mom sent me the baptism gown that my Grandmother made for me. Every baby in our family has worn it so far. Except for Amelia. She wasn't a baby when she got baptized this summer so she got her own special dress. The gown is now almost 39 years old - and it is fragile... I was so worried it would rip while we were holding him but it didn't. And he didn't spit up on the gown once during church! Not that we got away totally clean - he saved the spitting up for at home as I was getting him undressed.Even more special than the gown were the flowers. We had ordered these flowers for Ellie's birthday. The women who take care of the church had made them last this long - and they still look great! It felt a little like she was making her presence known.

500 colored pencils

2010-02-16T06:58:00.000-08:00

Check out this site to see one of the most beautiful collection of colors I have come across.

In my job each and every pattern that we create gets a name and a color ID. We search and search for good names that haven't already been used in our company's 30 yr history. Sometimes we get lucky and get a really great name. But mostly we settle for ones that can be very, very funny when pronounced by our sales staff in the first few showings. Color names tend to be even harder. Color is subjective - what looks green to me might look blue to someone else. You have to balance that with the nature of the pattern too. You couldn't give a southwest pattern a floral color name... And sometimes your mind just gets stuck... So having this to look at helps spark some pretty good ideas!

And thank you - for all the kind comments to my last post. Nothing has changed - but I'm trying not to let it get me down. My family is healthy, warm and happy...that's enough for right now.

I need a makeover

2010-02-11T12:49:00.000-08:00

I don't very often post about my job because in general I really have nothing to complain about. (well - OK... better hours and better pay would be nice but let's be realistic...) Unlike most Americans I really do love what I do.

I work for a company that has become an industry leader in the last 5 years. We have not only survived an economic meltdown - but have become stronger and more successful than any of us ever thought.

What does any of this have to do with a makeover? I am a not so young female professional in a very public position at a company that claims to be a style leader. And somehow in the last few years in the midst of trying to build a family and survive several personal crisis - I lost my style. I used to be cute and trendy, with great shoes and clothes. Now, if an outfit doesn't involve jeans and my dansko clogs I can't be bothered.

Two things as many days have made me realize this...

My co-director and I hired an assistant. OMG! we have needed someone for years and finally got the funding approved. She started this week. She is so cute and well dressed it makes me look like I am supposed to be crawling around on the floor cutting and sorting fabric! And our HR director pointed out that we are supposed to dress "professionally" at the office as she gave me a sideways glance.
I went on a field trip with Amelia's class to the circus. SO MUCH FUN! But all of the other mothers were so well dressed - nice jeans, cute boots, jackets with matching hats etc... meanwhile - I am lucky to have made it out of the house with out puke running down my arm. I felt 100% frumpy in comparison.

A few weeks ago I got my hair cut short. I had a really cute short hair cut about 5 years ago. I tried to re-create that fabulous look - complete bomb! Then in an effort to make myself like the short hair I decided to color my hair - MYSELF! Complete atomic bomb! So now I'm stuck with a really horrible haircut and even worse color until it grows out and washed out.

Aside from the hair - my clothes suck too. Right now I am struggling with finding outfits to accommodate pumping. While I was at home it wasn't really a problem - I wore the same two t-shirts everyday. Unfortunately I can't wear faded button up t-shirts everyday to work. And right now isn't really a great time to go out and spend a bunch of money on a new wardrobe.

New fabrics on furniture...

2010-02-10T08:38:00.000-08:00

Here are some news pics... (wish this was my house!!)

Back at work

2010-02-10T06:01:00.001-08:00

Being back at work SUCKS!

I was all excited and loving it last week...but this week has been a drag. It feels like I have been out of the loop for so long it will take months to get bck in the swing of things. All of my in progress projects were left at a dead standstill because the person who was supposed to follow up on them completely dropped the ball. (That's a whole other post...) And now I've got to try and get my own stuff done and gear up for my partner to go on maternity leave!

We still haven't gotten a good schedule worked out so I feel constatnly exhausted. Little man still doesn't come close to sleeping through the night. So I'm up with him at least two times. And by the time he wakes up the second time it's almost time for me to get up and start getting ready so I usually end up laying awake until the alarm goes off. (whine, whine, whine...)

I don't know how much longer BF is going to last. Pumping while at the office is just plain wierd and completely uncomfortable. My office does have a door, but not a lock, so there is the constant fear that someone will just walk in. Then there is also the fact that I work with a bunch of old men who could really care less about babies and motherhood and all the issues that go along with that.

We had an appointment with a studio from England last week. I mentioned that I was just back after being out for 8 weeks on maternity leave. He mentioned that in England mothers get 1 year after a baby is born! I'm so jealous!

2 months old!

2010-02-08T09:48:00.000-08:00

Little man was 2 months old on Saturday! Wow has it already been that long?

He really is doing amazingly well. He's really become wide eyed and curious over the last few weeks. He and Yaya have so much fun together.

He's discovered his thumb!

Back at work and other stuff

2010-01-28T05:07:00.000-08:00

I am back at work this week. I got a small reprieve - we had snow days Monday and Tuesday so this is really only my second day back. I miss little man like crazy - but it does feel pretty good to start being productive again. Even though I was only gone for 8 weeks - it feels like forever. There is so much to catch up on. And maybe I can keep up with my blogging...

T is being Mr. Mom for now. We will see how that goes. I hope it works because we really can't afford day care right now. But I do have to admit that I'm a little jealous, even though it is tough to be at home with a baby all day.

We are still trying to figure out a routine. Every time I think we've got something good worked out little man decides he needs to change it up. He has gotten so cute and interactive now too. He responds to each of us in different ways. He just lights up when YaYa is around. His favorite amusement right now is the ceiling fan in the bedroom. He will lay on the bed and watch it spin with a big grin on his face the whole time.

Belatedly - I wanted to share a couple of pictures...

This was my Christmas / anniversary gift from Truett... Tina @ Living without Sophia and Ellie made this beautiful necklace! I LOVE IT!!!

And then in a very special box all the way from Germany - Alice sent little man the most adorable sweater! And a hat for me too!!! (sorry, no pictures yet...)

Thank you!

2010-01-26T17:39:00.000-08:00

THANK YOU!!!! To everyone for helping me celebrate and remeber Ellie on Sunday.

I can't get this song out of my head... (I wish the whole song would play for you to hear -but this was all I could find...)

Ellie's day

2010-01-24T04:43:00.000-08:00

Two years ago today we welcomed our beautiful little girl into this world and said good bye at the same time.

All ove the emotional spectrum today...

2010-01-18T13:26:00.000-08:00

Where does all the time go? It seems like in the blink of an eye my day is gone.

I go back to the Dr. today for my post delivery check up. I have to make some kind of decision about what birth control method we are going to use. I have no clue... I've spent the last 10 years trying to get pregnant...it seems like exactly the opposite of what I should be doing - but according to them If I got pregnant once it will happen again... So at 38, for the first time in 20 years (yes - really... 20 years), I'm going to start using some form of birth control.
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With Ellie's Day (the 24th) rapidly approching I'm trying to sort everything out in my head. I had a great post started the other day in the car - but by the time I got home it was gone...

I think in general I'm OK with what happened now - mostly peaceful about it... A long time ago I read a blog post where someone reffered to their grief as a comfortable old coat. I guess that's how I feel about things after almost 2 years. I'm beyond the why's and most of the what if's and left with the memories of the few moments we got to spend with our child.

Somedays I wonder if she would have survived if we had tried to save her and other days I know in my heart that we did the right thing letting her live her short life in the comfort of our arms. I don't really think of her growing up or what she would be like now. She will always be the tiny little bundle I held in my arms.

My sister found out yesterday that she is having a girl. I'm very happy for her (you all know how much I love little girls...) but it stung a little bit too. Why does she get to have a little girl and I don't get to have mine? Completely silly - I know - but emotions just don't follow a logical path.

One month old...

2010-01-11T05:30:00.001-08:00

This little man has stolen my heart. I just can't get enough of him. We almost never call him by his name. He's gotten all kinds of nicknames in the past few weeks... Small Fry, Tough Guy, Little Buddy, Duke... you name it... He's still sporting his full head of hair complete with automatic mohawk. T thinks his hair looks red - but I just don't see it... I do see my grams at moments in the way he scrunches up his face right before he cries and the way he holds his mouth when he has just fallen deeply asleep. I wish she could have gotten to meet him. I catch myself all the time thinking about sending her something or calling to tell her something.

The reflux medicine has helped turn little man into a brand new baby. It's amazing... he still cries - but not for hours on end. And he doesn't spit up nearly as much. I'm am so glad that he finally feels better.

I have a precious few weeks left before going back to work. I love my job and look forward to being able to be productive again when I get back - but I just don't know how in the world I will be able to leave little man for 8 hours a day. In my dream world there would be a day care where I work... (yeah right...) But for now - T will be taking care of him while I am gone and I will try to work at home as often as possible.

January 24th is coming up quickly. Last year T and I went away for the weekend by ourselves. It was a really wonderful way to remember and honor Ellie's short life. We had planned to do the same thing this year - but I just don't feel comfortable leaving little man overnight yet. I think T was a little disappointed but I would be to worried about him to really get myself in the right frame of mind. As it is right now we will be at home that weekend. Which also means that we won't be able to visit Ellie's grave.

Sweet Relief

2010-01-08T05:32:00.000-08:00

Little man had his one month check up yesterday. He's doing great - 7lbs 14oz already! And he's already grown and inch!

But we have been dealing with some extreme colic issues. Luckily (not in a good way) he was having a really bad day yesterday so the Dr. got to see him in his normal state. after talking to her at lenght about what was going on with him she decided to give him some medicine for acid reflux. We stopped on the way home to get the prescription filled and gave him his first dose last night. The Dr said it would take about 3 days to start working but I think it started working right away. It took a long time to get him to sleep (last night's trick was putting him in the car seat in the bathroom with the shower running....he likes the sound of water running...at this point I was willing to do ANYTHING to get him to sleep...) but once he did fall asleep he slept blissfully for 3 HOURS!!!! (He's been averaging 20 - 30 mins at a time) And then after eating he went back to sleep.

My fingers, toes, legs and arms are crossed that this medicine really will help him be more comfortable. It has been so hard to watch him be so uncomfortable and not be able to do anything about it. He's actually sitting peacefully on my lap as I type this.

I've missed so many thing in the last few weeks. Hopefully I will start catchung up now...

Peace at last...

2010-01-01T13:05:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful New Year's holiday. Amelia stayed up until midnight for the first time ever. She was on cloud nine becasue she got to stay up and have her special sparkling grape juice. She got a little bored waiting for midnight but she hung in there until the end.

I sit here with little man strapped to my chest asleep - one of the few places that will calm him down for a while. Sometimes the car seat works - but mostly that only happens if the car is in motion and I just don't have that many places to be right now...

He looks so peaceful and serene when he is sleeping I just want to pick him up and kiss him all over. It's hard to resist holding him the whole time. Sometimes I do just sit and stare at him (what else do I have to do right now...) But then there are the heartbreaking crying spells when I just have no clue what in the world will make it all better for him. Isn't a mommy supposed to be able to fix everything? Sometimes I just can't figure it out.

My mom always threatened me with stories of what a difficult baby I was. Maybe that's why I was 35 (OK - really it was 30 or 31...) before I ever considered having kids. Her favorite story is when the elderly neighbor came over and asked if there was anything she could do to help my Mom because I had been crying for so long. Some nights - if we did have neighbors they would be wondering the same thing. I don't know how YaYa manages to sleep through it all - but mostly she does.

I have been so lax on getting things done the last few weeks. I have about 30 thank you notes to write and send. And I just ordered little man's birth announcements today... Is it to terribly late to still send them out? We sent Christmas cards to a limited number of family members but I really wanted to have birth announcements too... But that's pretty much me - late as always. I really should be spending my time writing thank you notes - but it is much more enjoyable to read my favorite blogs, play with Christmas toys and watch little man grow!!!!

Speaking of growing... do babies just literally grow overnight? I swear I woke up this morning to a new baby that was 2x as big as the old one. He either had a major overnight growth spurt or my eyes need to be checked. The outfits he just grew into will be to small by next week if this keeps up.

2009-12-29T06:12:00.000-08:00

Nope I haven't fallen off the face of the earth...just got swept up in holiday everything....

I hope everyone had a great time with family and friends. We sure did! We went to T's family christmas gathering last week. Everyone was so excited to meet little man. T's cousin and his wife who lost their son at 34 weeks last October were there. They are expecting a second son in January. She has been on bed rest for a few weeks already because of BP issues. (Please keep them and their new little one in your prayers!) I was kind of dreading the trip there and back but it was a great way to start out our celebration. YaYa got to open presents from Mamaw and Poppi and we all got to hang out together.

Best of all T's grandmother got to meet little man for the first time. She was so sweet - she told YaYa how much she thought that she and little man looked alike. That made YaYa just beam with pride. She has been feeling very self concious lately about having brown skin when the rest of her family has pink skin. She understands that it doesn't make a difference and that we are still family no matter what we look like - but it is still hard for her sometimes. So T's grandma telling her that was really an awesome boost for her.

The best snowman ever!

2009-12-19T14:31:00.001-08:00

Need I say more???

Out of the loop...

2009-12-17T06:39:00.000-08:00

I guess I've been a little out of it lately... who knew a baby could take up every second of every day??? I've been reading other blogs - but haven't really found the time to update my own story...

It's been a hard couple of weeks (not quite two) for us to get adjusted but I think we are all getting the hang of having little man around. Breast feeding has been the most difficult thing for me. Isn't that supposed to be the most natural thing in the world to do? Not so much for me. But yesterday seemed like we finally got all the kinks worked out. Yaya was 10 months old when we got to bring her home so having a newborn is completely new to us. T is still a little unsure about the whole tiny baby thing but he's learning that little man is sturdier than he looks. Yaya is in love and can't keep her hands off of him. I think it's great that she's so into having a baby brother. He totally responds to her voice too. And me - I just can't get enough of him. I can sit and stare at him sleeping forever.

My mom was here for the week after little man was born. It was nice having her around. When she's not here it is easy to forget how much I miss spending time with her and my sisters. Not sure if it was hormones or what - but I had a total breakdown the day she left. It was also my first time to be totally alone with little man. I put on a lullaby imix that I had made for YaYa right after Ellie was born. Music seems to catch his attention and really helps sooth him. I had forgotten that this mix included all of the songs that I think of as Ellie's songs. It just felt so sureal to be sitting there holding little man while my heart was aching for her. He sat in my lap just looking around with his eyes wide open while I cried.

Coming Home!

2009-12-10T09:48:00.000-08:00

After 4days away from YaYa - I was so excited to see her!!! But not as excited as she was to meet her brother!! YaYa and Grandma spent all afternoon getting ready for our arrival. They decorated with balloons and made signs. It was really wonderful.

Amelia was so happy to get to hold her baby brother. She was grinning from ear to ear!

We had to change his clothes and wrap him up with his bili-blanket as soon as we got home.

This oen is from before we left the hospital. The picture is deceptive - he looks so much bigger than he actually is.

This is his little Christmas coming home outfit...

Introducing...

2009-12-07T14:07:00.000-08:00

Mr. Eli - born December 6th at 8:27pm weighing 6lbs 4oz.

Tomorrow

2009-12-04T14:02:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the big day... The last few days have been a flurry of activity but constant waiting too. There was always the feeling that something was about to happen but we weren't quite ready for it yet. I don't know if I am ready still... but it's time.

This pregnancy hasn't been all fun and games (but then again if you are reading this - yours probably wasn't / hasn't been great either) but some part of me does hate to see it end. I am so thankful to have been given a mostly uneventful pregnancy. Now that it is almost over I feel like I spent so much time focused on what might go wrong I missed how wonderful it really was until now.

I miss my daughter more than I ever thought would be possible. But at the same time I am overcome with the joy and anticipation of this new little one. At our house this year christmas eve has come early.

Thank you all so much for the love and support you have shared with me during this pregnancy.

And the winner is...

2009-12-03T03:23:00.000-08:00

Forever Elliot's Mommy!!!!

If you e-mail me with your scarf choice and your address and I will get this out to you as soon as possible!!!!

Thank you so much to everyone for visiting and leaving a comment! You were all so sweet and kind. I can't wait to check out all your blogs in the next few days and weeks.

And I can't wait to check out the rest of the giveaways!!!

Today's giveaway is hosted by Franchesca at Handprints form Heaven.

25 days of Giveaways...

2009-12-02T00:01:00.000-08:00

I wasn't really sure what hand made item to offer up as my give away for today so I'm posting several pictures... If you are the winner for today's giveaway you get to choose any of the items pictured!!!

I have spent most of the last year rediscovering my love of knitting. I started out slow - mostly scarves and hats and baby blankets to donate... but I've completely enjoyed my knitting therapy sessions and I love the idea that someone else can enjoy one of these great items!

Leave me a comment and tomorrow I will post the winner!

If you are the winner - please e-mail me as quickly as possible - I really want to get this out to you before our new addition arrives.

Happy Adoption Day!!!

2009-11-30T05:52:00.000-08:00

Here we are 4 years ago today after all of our government paperwork was finalized.

YaYa is such an amazing and special little girl!!! We are thel uckiest parents ever.

Wecelebrated this morning with presents and pancakes in bed! We were all to sleepy to get the camera out but we will take some this evening with cake and balloons!

2nd post for today...

2009-11-28T04:12:00.000-08:00

I've been having trouble sleeping lately - so here I sit... reading blogs. I love to read your blogs. My heart breaks for many of you and I cry more times than I can count. I celebrate your ups and mourn your downs. I'm not great at writing comments - but I do mean everything in the best possible way!

I'm a scattered thinker and a horrible writer. The combination does not make for very interesting blog content (or comments). When I started this blog I had no idea how much comfort and support it would give me.

It will soon be 2 years since Ellie died in our arms. At the beginning everything was raw and fresh. A huge gaping whole in my life that I never thought I would survive. But I did - slowly - day by day - getting stronger without realizing it. I poured out my heart here and was offered love and understanding in return. All of you have helped me heal.

I think I'm just completely over come with emotions right now.

This is the weekend I officially became a parent for the first time. It is also the last weekend my sweet little YaYa will have us all to herself. I am feeling the tug of uncertainty. Right now she is my #1. Becoming her mommy gave me more than I ever imagined possible. I hope a new addition to our family will be good for her.

Next Saturday... 7 days...

Don't forget to check out today's 25 Days of Christmas Giveaway!!!

2009-11-28T03:31:00.000-08:00

Today's givieaway is being hosted by Jeanette at Lazy Seamstress. Jeanette is giving away a beautiful hand made doll - so go by and leave her a comment so you can be entered to win her very special giveaway.

Belated Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T18:10:00.000-08:00

Yes - I am still here and big boy is still cooking!

I am so thankful for what a wonderful amazing family I am blessed to be a part of.

I have tried to keep computer time to a minimum this weekend. This is our last weekend as a 3 person family and we are making the most of it! Since none of us really knew what to expect we decided to stick close to home. And this is a really special weekend for our family. Nov. 25th, 2005 was the day that T and I headed to Guatemala to pick up YaYa. We spent Nov. 25th - Dec. 2nd, 2005 becoming a forever family. So not only is this our last weekend as a family of 3 - but it is our "Happy Adoption Day" celebration!!! Monday Nov. 30th is our official "Happy Adoption Day" - but it's kind of nice to have the whole weekend to just be happy together.

This is us 4 years ago today with YaYa's foster mother in Guatemala.

This is T's first picture with our new daughter. She fell asleep in the cab on the way back to the hotel.

This is me and YaYa...
I didn't know I could ever love a human being as much as I love her!

Yesterday we had a totally non-traditional Thanksgiving and stayed in our jammies most of the day - until we decided to go get Chinese food. But - our favorite Chinese restauraunt was CLOSED!!!! (how could that possibly be???) So we raided the junk food aisle of the grocery store and ate at home watching football.

Then this morning just because I can't miss the tradition - I rolled myself out of bed at 3:30am and headed to Tar.get... I didn't get much (and actually got no christmas gifts...) because my brain has turned to mush in the last week. But I did get us some great cheap movies to watch... I picked up breakfast for my bacon loving sleepy heads and got home before they were even awake! So we lazed in bed for another hour and then stayed in bed to watch the Griswold's celebrate Christmas on the portable DVD player. (No bedroom TV's for us...) Rolled out of bed about 11am and headed to the Chinese restaurant we missed out on yesterday.

In the midst of all this fun T has been on a major cleaning/nesting binge. He washed the front porch this afternoon (in freezing cold weather no less...) and just got done changing out the shower head in our bathroom. My man is on a roll!!!

I hope everyone had a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving!!!

25 days of giveaways

2009-11-24T10:55:00.000-08:00

I am excited to be a part of the 25 Days of Giveaways coming up in December!

Tina at Living without Sopie and Ellie has designed a kind of tag team Holiday Cheer giveaway for December.

Check out her blog and the links to the other giveaways starting after Thanksgiving!

A quick post

2009-11-23T08:06:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write a really quick post to let all of you know that I'm still here - and big boy is still cooking!

It's been a crazy week and will continue to be crazy until I deliver (or so it seems...) I've been trying to wrap things up at work and make an organized list of what will need to be followed up and I'm trying to do the same thing at home for my mom when she comes to stay with YaYa.... There are way to many details in a person's life to communicate - like what YaYa will and will not eat in her lunch or how we pick out clothes to wear...

I am also avioding most thoughts about what is about to happen. Emotionally I'm just not ready to walk into that hospital and have a baby. I am very. very ready for Big Boy to be here - I'm just not ready for the actual labor and delivery part. In my mind that's still part of Ellie's story that I'm not ready to share.

(Changing subjects completely...) But on a slightly vain note - everyone has been telling me how great I look lately! That sure does boost a more than slightly rotund girl's mood!!!

Thank you!

2009-11-21T05:46:00.000-08:00

I just want to send a great big THANK YOU!!!! to Katie. She brought me 3 HUGE bags of baby clothes and toys this week. We used to work together and a mutual friend put us back in touch. Her son was born last December. Amelia and I had a blast going through eveything this morning.

Survey

2009-11-18T13:30:00.000-08:00

I just saw this on another blog and thought it might be interesting. You know me - I'm a sucker for a good survey... and I needed to lighten my mood today.

Total Weight Gain? 25 pounds

Maternity Clothes? They barely fit anymore! I've passed on most of what I have been wearing to my sister and a friend. I'm down to 2 dresses, 2 pair of jeans and about 5 tops that still look OK to wear in public. I can't believe how HUGE my belly is!!!

Stretch Marks? 1!!!! Thank you mom!!!!

Sleep? What is that again??? Between bathroom trips, tums and coughing the last few weeks have been rough on the sleep front.

Best Moment this week? Seeing the 3d ultrasound pictures and watching Big Boy move around and chew on his hands.

Food Cravings? Not so much right now... It's been hard to eat and breathe at the same time. But I am still on a bagel-egg-cheese sandwich kick, and pizza, and mangos.

Sex? Not so much... I'm kind of feeling like a whale these days.

Labor Signs? Yes - but nothing seems to stick...maybe I need to go back and review the last question. That's supposed to get things going isn't it? I really want to go into labor on my own so we can rush to the hospital in a panic. (Crazy ideas... I know!)

Belly Button? Still in - I was really hoping it would pop out while I was pregnant but no luck. It just looks flat and miserable.

What I miss the most? A nice cold beer with dinner some nights.

What I am looking forward to the most? Meeting this little one. (and no more shots!)

Milestones? Every day is a milestone.

Stress

2009-11-18T05:43:00.001-08:00

I need some advice...

Without going into to many details there is major stress in my life right now trying to coordinate family coming for the birth.

#1 - we have no room at our house for guests - our only guest room has now been transformed into the baby's room.

#2 - My mom is flying in a few days before and staying for a few additional days. Pretty limited time. She was really looking forward to spending some time with me and YaYa since she doesn't get to come to visit all that often. She will be sleeping on the bottom bunk in YaYa's room.

#3 - In-laws live only 2 hours away but have decided to come "stay" with us for the whole time my Mom will be here. (they are bringing an air matress so they can sleep in the living room!) I tried to nicely suggest that they come see us the day the baby is born and the day we come home from the hospital and then wait until after my Mom leaves for a long visit. But the hint wasn't taken. I also tried to suggest that they stay at a hotel - but again, hint not taken... Now "T" thinks I am trying to exclude his family.

I feel completely trapped and know that this is all going to go terribly wrong at some point. "T" is angry with me for even worrying about it - but how can I not? It happens every time my parents and his parents come at the same time. There's this big huge competition for YaYa's attention and now it will be the same with the baby too.

Should I just ignore the situation and pretend it doesn't matter?

18 days left...

2009-11-17T17:52:00.000-08:00

As of today we officially have 18 days left. Where did all that time go? It seems like just yesterday I was peeing on a sticking not expecting to get good news. And now - I'm on the verge of having a real live baby.

I went back to the Dr. today. BP is elevated but holding steady below dangerous levels!!! She switched me to Hep.a.rin for the next few weeks. Pretty much the same routine as with the Lov.e.nox. (Only 36 more shots to go!!!!)

The most freak out part was watching my contractions (yes, you read that correctly - CONTRACTIONS) on the NST monitor. I've seen the irritability on the monitor before - but this was completely different. It was a smooth rise to a hump and then back down again. Who knows if it means anything - but secretly my fingers are crossed. I'm just way to anxious to get this last little bit over with so I can actually see this little guy. I'm excited and scared all at the same time.

We had another great ultrasound today too with lots of cute pictures... He was all active and showing off again too...

He seems to love letting his tongue hang out!

He even opened his eyes for this one! (and yes - the tongue is still out...)

Sucking his thumb.

November 17th - Fight For Preemies

2009-11-13T05:08:00.001-08:00

Fight For Preemies // Bloggers Unite

I saw this and thought it would be great to share. Visit the site, make a donation if you can, or just remember a little one with love.

35 wk ultrasound

2009-11-11T16:28:00.000-08:00

Before I let you go on - I just want to share how much it means to me that everyone who reads this blog has been following along to support my journey. I know that for many of you it isn't easy to hear and see details of this pregnancy. I'm sorry for all of the hurt and pain that each of you have to bear. I feel very, very lucky to have found such an amazing community of mothers to lean on and learn from. Thank you all for being my inspiration!

Now...

Baby is doing great!!! He already weighs 5 lbs 13oz.

We had the best ultrasound today - the sonographer got us some great pictures. We got to watch him chew on his hands and roll around. It was pretty cool! She even said that she doesn't usually get to see such a show off. He was even smiling for some of the pictures. She also told us that she could tell he was going to be born with hair. She could see it on the ultrasound.

I forgot the best part! My BP was AWESOME today!!! It continues to be high at home - but when the nurse took it during the NST it was the best it's been all week!

Emotional Landmine

2009-11-08T18:29:00.000-08:00

I thought signing up for the prepared childbirth class at the hospital was the responsible thing to do. And I guess it is if you are a blissfully ignorant first timer it is. Me on the other hand - I guess I've just seen to much in my own life and your stories.

It started out great. Good information, nice people, what seemed like a great instructor... Then is just got hard.

It was just so emotional to sit there and talk about labor and birth and what it will feel like and what to expect. I know (or at least I have a lot of hope) that this time it will a completely different experience. Even though this birth will hopefully have a happy ending my journey to it wasn't exactly filled with joy.

I don't even remember exactly what set me off yesterday, but it must have been the (far to short and glossed over) conversation yesterday about PE. Not even a blip on the minds of a single mom in the room besides me. No one gave a second thought to the mothers and babies that die because of PE.

And then there was the endless discussion about how bad and horrible induction was... (yes, for my own health and the health of my child I am being induced...) Not a single person in that room took a minute to consider there might be a perfectly good reason for a Dr. to schedule an induction. Yes, there was a film about one mom who was induced for being 2 weeks over due - but I guess in every other circumstance it's selfish of the mom to agree to an induction.

Then there was a film about the actual birth that showed dozens of happy healthy little babies being handed to the happy alert moms and dads. I had to get up and leave for most of that one. I just completely lost it at that point. I did this. I had a baby. I was in labor and gave birth. But I didn't get to hear her cry. I didn't get to see her beautiful eyes looking back at me. I got to watch my daughter slowly fade away. How do you relive those moments in a room full of strangers who are completely immune to tragedy? I sat in the bathroom balling my eyes out wondering what in the hell I was doing there.

Signing up for this class I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be the happy almost full term pregnant lady learning about what comes next. But I guess I needed one more reminder that is far from what I am.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy that we took the class - there were some very useful tips and ideas for what to bring along to help with labor and being at the hospital. But for the most part - I am very disappointed that there wasn't more open and honest discussion about how each pregnancy is different with different circumstances and different needs and how that is OK too.

2009-11-06T06:59:00.000-08:00

Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

I've been really struck by these questions and many of the answers I've read.

I'm coming up on 2 years since my daughter's death. I dont' know if I can say I miss her so much as I miss the idea of what she would have been. I miss what our family would have been if she had survived. I miss being able to see Yaya and her sister grow up together. I see my neices who are the same ages that Yaya and Ellie would have been and wonder if they would have a similar relationship.

During this pregnancy I have thought about Ellie a lot. I wonder what could have been different if anything had someone noticed what was going on sooner. I wonder if we would have made it any further along - giving her a better chance to survive.

My grandmother died in September. Yaya likes to think of her in heaven with Ellie. I don't know what I think. I've never been able to resolve all of that in my own heart and mind. But I do know that I've always felt a connection between Grams and Ellie. From the moment she was born I thought she looked just like my grandmother. For most of my pregnancy with Ellie I really thought we would name her Charlotte (my grandmother's name) - but we changed our minds at the hospital after we found out she wasn't going to make it.

I think I have found peace. I haven't forgotten or even gotten past what happened - but I do think that I can accept it as part of who I am and what my family is.

Pictures....

2009-11-05T05:53:00.000-08:00

Sorry - they are terrible pictures taken as I was rushing out the door this morning - but hopefully you will get the idea. The room is about 1/2 done - T still needs to paint the animals, the curtains need to be hemmed and I'm not ready to put in the bedding - but it feels good to be this far!

Not great news on the BP front... I was hoping that it would settle back down once the sickness was being treated but it hasn't so far. No big jumps yet - but it hovers just below to high for comfort. Big boy doesn't seem to mind... he's gotten super active lately. If I am sitting in a position he doesn't like he lets me know!

2009-11-04T13:22:00.000-08:00

Just in case you are dying to know more about whooping cough - check out this link... I guess it's more common than most people think it is.

I'm sorry if I seemed glib about the PE symptoms. I guess I was just on a "high" after getting the induction news and nothing else was really sinking in yet (I just can't tell you how much of a relief that was!). Given how quickly it moved for me last time we are all going to stay on top of it. I've gotten to far this time around to let anything happen. I'm trying to be cool and relaxed. Freaking myself out about it isn't going to do either one of us any good.

In really great news - T finished painting last night and put the furniture together today. I can't wait to get home and see it! I promise to post pictures once the room is done. T said the furniture and the walls looked great together. He was worried about my color choices until now.

Who would have guessed....

2009-11-03T18:32:00.000-08:00

...I have whooping cough.

Yes, that old fashioned sickness that you never hear about anymore. How in the world did I manage to get whooping cough you might wonder? Honestly - I have no clue. But now I have some bright shiny new antibiotics that will hopefully eliminate this evil cough sooner rather than later because I'd really like to get some sleep in the last month before we are invaded by a hungry newborn.

Besides the whole whooping cough thing today was a pretty productive visit at the MFM.

Baby was great for the NST. My uterus on the other hand was not - it has gotten irritable. Personally - I think it's just pissed off by all the coughing - but that's just my non-medical opinion. So now I'm doing NSTs 2x a week - just to make sure.

Also in the not so great news department - my BP is officially up and there is protein in my urine. Nothing dangerous but it's time to start watching things a little more closely.

And the really big - super exciting news for the control freak in me.... WE HAVE A DATE!!!! The whole baby birthing process will officially start December 5th! Now every one that needs to be here can make travel plans and we don't have to stress about what to do with YaYa when it's time. Some one will be here and ready to take over for a few days. This is also assuming that everything stays the same for me and Big Boy between now and then.

Walking out of the office today with that date all set and ready was such a wonderful feeling! It was like a huge stressful weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Now I can relax and plan the next month out in detail!!!

Ugh...

2009-11-02T11:26:00.000-08:00

I have gotten a terrible, miserable something or other that has me coughing constantly! As if my stomach muscles weren't sore enough from being stretched to the limit. I have to brace myself everytime I feel a cough coming on - otherwise it feels like I am going to split my ribcage in two!

I don't want to go to the clinic because I am more worried about picking up something more dangerous than what I already have so I'm going to wait it out until my MFM appointment tomorrow. I'm hoping she will give me some thing to reduce the coughing - but most likely not.

I'm just exhausted from all the coughing...and the crazy weekend schedule.

Saturday we did an infant care class - nothing to in depth, just how to handle a brand new baby once you get home. (Yes, we have a daughter - but she was already 10 months old when she got to come home with us. So no previous newborn experience for either of us.) Mostly standard stuff - but one more thing that made us realize we need to get ready for this baby sooner rather than later.

Then Sunday I did a breastfeeding class. Sorry - but this scared the crap out of me!!! Something that seemed so natural and uncomplicated now seems like this monumental task to be undertaken. Maybe I'm just going completely wacko in these last few weeks... I hope it turns out tobe much easier than it seems!

But the biggest news of all !!!!! We bought furniture this weekend (It is currently sitting in boxes in our dining room but hey - it's a start!) and T is going to paint the room this week!!! Maybe by next week (if I'm lucky) I'll be able to post some baby room pictures.

Keep your fingers crossed that I get rid of this cough soon - it's miserable!!!

Suprise Shower!!!

2009-10-28T13:17:00.001-07:00

My co-workers suprised me with a baby shower today! They had a delicious lunch and beautiful decorations!!! It was really, really wonderful.

The cutest diaper cake ever - with a little sugar bear and baby on top. One of my co-workers is an expert cake decorator. She made the baby and the bear!This is the wonderful, amazing, incredible group of people that I work with! They really are part of my family.

2009-10-27T10:02:00.001-07:00

It's been awhile since I've had any time to post.

First and most important - NST/Ultrasound this morning was GREAT!!! Worth the drive in the rain to get more good news. I will be 34 wks on Friday with no problems to speak of!

Second - A few weeks ago my sister told everyone that she is pregnant! Due in June 2010. She told her OB about me and my wonderful funky blood. They did a thrombophilia panel that same day. So far all of the tests have come up negative. Really great news for her! (How is it that I got to be the lucky one in the family??) A is really excited about Aunt Nana's baby because it can be twins with ours... (she also keeps saying that Aunt Nana has a little belly but her Mommy's is BIG!)

Third - We had our first ever baby shower this weekend! My MIL & SIL hosted a family baby shower for us this weekend in T's hometown. I was kindof dreading it - but we had a great time. T's family is just so amazing. Everyone (aunts and cousins etc...) made all kinds of good food and shared how happy they were for us. But then I looked around the room at how many of the women (my age and older) there who have had some kind of child related tradgedy touch their lives... One woman in her 60's was never able to have children after repeated miscarriages. One has had several IVF cycles and finally adopted three children. One just had a hysterectomy last year and has decided not to pursue adpotion. One is still undergoing IVF and IF treatments with no success. One that wants desperately to have children but is in no financial situation to do treatments or adoption. And one who's baby died at 30wks last November. All of that sadness in their lives and they were still there to help us celebrate. How amazing and special is that kind of family?

A neighbor to my MIL makes cakes... She is amazing!

My MIL made a diaper cake...

Me looking HUGE!!!!

Just another one of the Diaper Cake and gifts...

Fall

2009-10-23T05:46:00.000-07:00

I think fall has arrived overnight here. All week we have had the kind of cold, wet miserable weather that no one likes to see arrive. Maybe it's just because I leave my house in the semi darkness every morning that I haven't noticed the changes.

But today - as I drove down the country roads that lead to our house I really noticed how beautiful everything is right now. We've gotten lots of rain so the lawns are all nice and green with lots of leaves scattered all over and the trees that still have leaves are red and orange and yellow. And there was just something special about the quality of the sunlight this morning. It was sunny and warmish and there was just a litle bit of drizzley moisture in the air to soften everything. It's just so amazingly beautiful. I want to go get my camera and take a picture so I can share it with everyone - but I know a picture won't capture the smell of the wetness or the feel of the air.

Happy fall!!!

32w ultrasound pics

2009-10-21T11:20:00.001-07:00

Everything looked great yesterday! Little big boy weighs 4lbs now and finally turned himself around so he's head down. And best of all - still no signs of PE for me!!! Looks like we are heading into the home stretch.

Everyone who sees this 3d image says it looks just like my husband. It really is uncanny - it's the shape of his mouth and the nose mostly.

Tired

2009-10-20T05:12:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't had much to say in the last week.

I have hit a major wall of exhaustion. I get home from work and I can't do anything!! I lay on the couch and am in bed by 10:00 and then I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning. For me - that's not normal!!!!

It is Market week here. For me that means days full of customer visits and endless walking in and out of showrooms. It's fun and exciting - but makes for really long days. And I realized that the next 2 months are the busiest of the season at work. Our sales meeting and line release week fall the week before my due date. It makes me even more tired just thinking about it!

I've got an Ultrasound, NST and Dr's appointment today. I'll post more about big boy later!

Support

2009-10-17T16:02:00.000-07:00

Please give this family some love and support. Their beautiful son Henry was born to early as a result of preeclampsia. He is currently in the NICU fighting to survive.

Feeling better about things...

2009-10-11T17:04:00.000-07:00

I had a much better day today.

We actually made some real progress. We (mostly T) combined our bedroom and the "office" into one room. It's a tight squeeze - but the best we could do given our limited space. What was the office and will (hopefully) soon be the baby's room is now a massive dumping ground of all the odds and ends that no longer have a home - but that is next weekend's project.

I didn't really do much of the actual moving and cleaning - but I'm still exhausted. It feels like I am continuously tired lately but I can't ever manage to get a good night's sleep.

With everything else I forgot to mention that YaYa has had the flu since last Wednesday. We didn't take any chances and took her to the Dr. the next morning. She's been taking Ta.m.iflu since last week. That really has made a difference for her. She was feeling better this weekend. Feeling better but still recovering and completely fed up with being house bound so she drove us CRAZY!!! We decided even though she was feeling better we needed to keep her home from the big yearly fair trip. She was disappointed - but I think it was harder for T's parents. They kept asking us to come anyway. Neither one of us felt comfortable with that. She wasn't feeling great yet and we didn't want to take the chance of her getting anyone else sick in the process. And somehow so far I've managed to avoid getting sick. T has been obsessive about using hand sanitizer and Lysol spray all over the house. I guess it pays off to be so vigilant.

Thursday is the first step in our baby reality wake up tour. We are all going to visit the labor and delivery department like regular everyday pregnant people. Feels wierd (and pretty good) - but I guess I kind of qualify as that now. Maybe this time I'll actually get to see what a maternity ward actually looks like.

A clean break

2009-10-10T10:51:00.000-07:00

Do you ever think about making a clean break from your current life? Just getting in the car and walking away from it all?

Not from YaYa or T - but the rest of it - the rest of the big gigantic unmanageable mess that my life has become. I'm tired of making it all work. I'm tired of making myself believe that I'm OK with the way things are. I want a new life where I don't have to pretend and tell everyone what they want to hear.

Today everything about this almost here baby is reminding me about the baby that wasn't. The baby that could have been. The one who should be here right now - taking a nap in the room that I need to clean out.

But no I'm left packing up the remnants of her tiny little life; the cards and hospital papers; a little hat and sweater I made; and the book we took with us to the hospital to read to her after she was born. All of this has been thrown in a clothes basket in our bedroom for the past year and a half - waiting to be dealt with. I thought I was strong enough now, but I guess I was wrong.

31 weeks

2009-10-09T05:51:00.000-07:00

WOW!!! Today marks 31 weeks for us. It is blowing my mind to be this enormously pregnant.

I remember thinking about being pregnant again after Ellie and being hopeful about making it to 28 weeks. When I found out I was pregnant this time I had plans for a September birth. In my mind I was hoping for 28 wks and planning for 24.

But now I'm so far beyond where I ever thought we would be - I feel guilty for being such a worried mess throughout the days and weeks that have gotten me here. I feel guilty for having a really good pregnancy when there are so many others out there who aren't as lucky.

More pictures

2009-10-08T05:59:00.000-07:00

My Mom sent me a few more things yesterday and I finally took pictures of the other things I brought home with me...

Grams always had a hankie tucked into her sleeve. My mom sent me these from her stash.

She made this for me when I was born.

I found these fabric scraps when I was sorting out her sewing stuff. The pink fabric was from a dress she made for me in high school and the purple fabric is from an Easter dress she made for me when I was about 10.

This was her button tin. I sorted and re-sorted these buttons for what feels like hours while I was staying with Grams. It's funny - I opened the tin and just the smell of the buttons brought me back to that time with her.

I was so happy to find these two things still in her sewing room. I loved to play with her pin cushion when I was little. The doggie sewing caddy was made by my great grandfather (I called him "little grandpa") and originally used by my great grandmother ("little grandma"). I can remember palying with it at their house originally. Then Grams had it and I still played with it. I really wish I had a sewing room to put it in for YaYa to play with.

This is the oddest little thing - but he was always sitting on the counter in the bathroom. I know every grandchild has played with this little guy at one time or another - and he's got the scars and a band-aid on his butt to prove it. But he was always there...

This rolling pin is special. It is the one and only rolling pin Grams had from the time she got married. I can't even begin to fathom how many cookies and pies were made with this rolling pin. Thanksgiving and Christmas will never be the same. I guess I'm just biased - but I've never had a pie crust that I like as much as I liked hers. It was always perfect.

This may seem liek a strange one. It's my grandmother's second husband. My Mom's dad died when I was a little over a year old. So I never really knew him. (And it's still strange to formulate what to call him) This is the man that I think of as my grandpa. He was old school Norwegian - gefilte fish and all. He played the concertina in a polka band. I loved to be at their house when he practiced.

This is the picture that YaYa drew for me while we were at the funeral. I'm in the middle crying and "Grandma Great" is standing next to me watching from heaven. YaYa has talked about this a lot since we were in WI. In her mind baby Ellie and Grandma Great are together in heaven watching over us.

Found it!!!

2009-10-07T14:13:00.001-07:00

Thanks to Bluebird for adding in the possibility of cottage cheese as an ingredient!!! I'm stopping at the store on the way home!

I found it on Cooks.com

PISTACHIO JELLO SALAD

12 oz. cottage cheese
3 oz. pkg. instant pistachio Jello
1 lg. Cool Whip
1 lg. can crushed pineapple, drained
1 c. chopped nuts
1 c. miniature marshmallows

Mix all ingredients together. Refrigerate.

Weird food

2009-10-07T06:37:00.001-07:00

OK - up until now I've just had the normal run of the mill food cravings like pizza (I could eat that every night..) and grilled cheese.

But ever since the funeral last week where all the church ladies made the usual WI church dinner fare I have had this absolute need to find the recipe for this green whipped cream salad that my aunt used to make for every holiday. I always thought it was called waterloo or waldorf salad. But when I look either of them up - it's not what I remember. All I can remember is that it was green with whipped cream, marshmallows and pineapple.

I might just have to try and make it up and see what I get.

BTW - Had our 30 wk check up yesterday and everything still looks great!!! (knock on wood) I am just floored at how well this pregnancy seems to be going. My MFM even said yesterday that he felt like I was going to make it to full term and that PE wasn't going to show up this time at all!!!

Lov.e.nox math

2009-10-06T06:20:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine just had to point this out to me the other day so I thought I would share it with you too...

I started doing shots in April (April 7th to be exact). It is now October.

From April to today I have done 366 injections.

60 - 30mg pre-filled syringes cost $1611 (without insurance coverage). That's $26.85 per injection.

So in the last 6 months I have managed to use 10,980mg of Lo.v.enox. That works out to be $9827.10.

To me - this all just cries out as a great big OUCH!!!